Before you know it, it will be time to start getting really excited about the World Cup. The US’s new jerseys should be coming out soon (so far the rumors sound fantastic), and we can all start dreaming of reliving that moment many of us had when the US shocked the world by beating Portugal in their first match of the 2002 World Cup.
So before you decide if you want to go ‘classic’ with a Donovan #10, show your blue collar approach to the game with a Michael Bradley #4, or just be an odd ball by getting a Timmy Howard Goalkeeper jersey, it’s important to think about what all of that really means.
What exactly does your affinity for a player represent? If we were a higher caliber team, or even a more historic team we could be talking about the style of a player. For example, if you are a Messi fan, then you are probably, by extrapolation, a fan who imagines Argentina returning to the glory years under Maradona. If you are a Germany fan and you opt to buy a Michael Ballack shirt instead of a Poldi, Özil or Schweini shirt then maybe you still believe in this idea of Fritz Walther or Lothar Matthaeus bursting through the midfield to save the day (regardless of the fact that Ballack just isn’t that type of player).
In other words, it’s time to look at the players for more than the mere flesh and bones that they are. Since they’re far from tested, and we certainly can’t call them legendary, let’s just look at what they represent if they were music artists.
Let’s face it. This had to happen sooner or later. We’ve already had Deuce’s on the fence inducing “Don’t Tread on Me”, Pablo Mastroeni playing campfire guitar in interviews, and let’s not forget Benny Feilhaber’s pantomime of a Jordin Sparks song.
A few players may have been left out for a number of different reasons. Some players (if they somehow find out about this) may demand a re-sorting. But this ain’t Hogwarts. The placing of players in their particular camps was only done after long and hard deliberation.
How does this work? A panel of experts has been looking for trends within the ranks of our favorite national team players. They have found very few. But one scruffy necked intern with a penchant for the less than wholesome did come up with the following tid-bit.
The problem with the USMNT is the hierarchy. Who’s running this show? We all know it’s not Carlos Bocanegra. So who is it then? Is it Donovan, or Tim Howard? And what would it take for Clint Dempsey to discover his inner Jack Sparrow and hijack this ugly, porous, yet bold vessel of a team and mold it into something he can actually have some fun with?
So, here’s where the factions stand… if they were musical groups.
Clint Dempsey’s Old School Hip Hop/ Reggaeton Collective
Full fledged members: Clint, Jose Francisco Torres, Eddie Johnson, Prospective members: Edgar Castillo, Jermaine Jones
The story: Look closely at the ussoccer.com website’s videos of the national team. Not only are Clint and Paco Torres often bus mates (Don’t know for sure if they are roommates in the hotel before games.) ,but when Clint scores and Paco is on the sidelines there’s no doubt who Clint is going to celebrate his goal with. Is it a Texas thing? Maybe. Is it a misunderstood technician thing? Mos def. The Eddie Johnson part of the story is much easier to explain. They both played at Fulham, and there’s a bit of wannabe thug in both of them. It also doesn’t hurt that there’s certainly more homie than Hoss in Clint’s drawl (If he pulled a Ryan Giggs and said he was actually Black, would anyone be surprised?). At any rate, those two co-stars pave the way for the prospective members Edgar Castillo and Jermaine Jones.
Jozy Altidore’s Crunk/House Twitter Mob
Full fledged members: Jozy Altidore, Freddy Adu, Stuart Holden, Maurice Edu, Charlie Davies
The story: For most people this story came together during the 2007 FIFA U-20 World Cup. Most fans watched the games to see what Freddy Adu could do on a stage that seemed to be made for him, but Jozy Altidore ended up stealing the show. That was the beginning of Altidore’s ascension to poster boy for the future of US soccer, and a harbinger of what would become of Adu—playing Robin to Altidore’s Batman. Look at Jozy’s twitter account and you will quickly see why I through the other names in the mix.
Landon Donovan’s Boyband Revival
Full fledged members: Landon, Ching Occasional Guest: Carlos Bocanegra Former members: Demarcus Beasley, Pablo Mastroeini
The story: Even if you hated boy bands I’m sure even the hardest haters were a bit sad to see some of the groups break up. The break up of Landon Donovan’s boy band was no different. Demarcus couldn’t keep up. Pablo was started to show his age. Boca’s heart was never in it, and Kyle Beckerman, for all his hair, just couldn’t cut the mustard.
Timmy Howard’s Steel Worker’s Union
(Let’s face it. What hard working steel worker cares a wit about music? I’m not counting country.)
Full fledged members: Tim Howard, Gooch, Jay Demerit, Steve Cherundolo, Frankie Hejduk, Michael Bradley, Conor Casey; Tweener: Carlos Bocanegra
The story: This has been the house band of the US Men’s National Team for the longest. This group used to be headlined by Jeff Agoos, but Timmy has quickly taking the mantle for his own. The reason for its evergreen appeal is simple, work hard, keep your head down and you will keep getting called back.
Solo Artists:
Benny Feilhaber, Sacha Kljestan, Jonathan Spector, Robbie Rogers, Kenny Cooper
Trends:
Obviously Landon’s Boyband Revival is going south fast. He’s already filling out a membership card to join the Steel Worker’s Union. And he’s going to have to because Clint’s Collective and Jozy’s Crunk/House Twitter Mob are gaining new members every day. But in the end, you can’t get past the union. They were there before you came, and they will be there after you leave.
I’ll try to keep you updated if the respective agents can get things sorted out for the Christmas album which should be released just after Turkey Day.
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